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Anger and Lack of Communication

Humility Leads to Intimacy

Another key component of intimacy, as we read today, is humility. Humility brings us closer to others, since we prefer our spouse over ourselves. Too often we can think of marriage as a punctuation game where one of us has to “win”; unfortunately, if one of you “wins”, both lose. In marriage, both win or neither wins. That is why they should approach each other with humility and honesty, ready to serve each other. Nothing will bring you more intimacy in your marriage than humiliating yourself and recognizing every defect, frustration and imperfection that you have. Once you do this, then you can extend and receive grace with each other. And when do you do that? Just observe how deep you are going.

The Bible encourages the husband to enjoy this life that they are given with their wives

 [a]Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life which He has given you under the sun, all your days of vanity; for that is your portion in life, and in the labor which you perform under the sun. (Ecclesiastes 9:9 New King James Version NKJV)

I was watching a presentation video from school once and I heard Dr. Tim Clinton say “That can be very difficult when you sit down to think about everything that separates and tears a marriage apart right?” Those words touched the bottom of my heart and inspire me write this, “tear a marriage apart”. Can you stop for a second and think what are the reason that separate a marriage? Everything that separates a relationship seems to be bigger than what unites it. We do not expect a marriage to exist without anger but for a marriage to exist there must be communication, even in the midst of anger.

Approximately 90% of Americans get married, but between 40/50% separate what this means is that one in 4/5 divorce every day-this is because of “all the things that separate us/tear us apart”.

All the burdens of life, the mental and physical illnesses, the financial burdens, the burdens of work, the lack of time together, the responsibilities in the church, with the children … the hidden tears, and then we say this is not “as it should be” (we have a false perception of what it should be-once size does not fit all), schedules overloaded in our lives and we say “I did not signed up for this”, and we end up creating relationships where we are extremely loaded and discouraged, with an anguished soul that grieves the Spirit of God to the point that the Holy Spirit can no longer minister to us (I’m speaking to those who have a Christian faith now). This is for those who know God and have it, those who do not know him, perish-they get divorced and end up from one marriage to another because even in their sinful nature they understands deep in their  soul that God’s perfect intention is that we are not alone.

People who suffer in marriages or relationships end up in a state of disaffection (not affection) of disaffection, this happens because of pain, abuse, loneliness, stress, and all the things that are part of of daily life and that somehow work against relationships (intentionally or unintentionally) if there is a lack of communication and there is room for anger.

Nobody wants to live like this, nobody wants to be in that place, in that emotional, spiritual or physical state (because it brings physical wear too), discouragement, fatigue and even bad appearance. If we sit down to think about the things that are working against our marriages we can understand that not all the time are our spouses. Moreover, we can become the best friends of our spouses unite as warriors to defeat in prayer everything that gets in the way and wants to impede our communication.

They are spiritual wars, satanic, evil attacks that are behind the marriage because it is an agreement ordained by God, it is sacred is a soul, spiritual and corporal union that brings peace and strength. And Satan wants us weak (we reprimand the wickedness of the devil and the time in which [if ever] we gave him power).

Sometimes we bring and carry bad references of our pasts, of what they have told us, of what we let others say about us. We load that into our curriculum, our emotional resume, and bring it into our new marital relationships as if that holds any value, forgetting devaluing the word of God by doing so.

When He says through His word in:Hebrews 8:13

13 In that He says, “A new covenant,” He has made the first obsolete. Now what is becoming obsolete and growing old is ready to vanish away. (New King James Version (NKJV)

Perhaps the way in which we show love is not the way our spouse would like then there will be a wrong door, communication is lost, because the message does not arrive… it’s not that we do not love, we love in our own way. We must love the way others need us to love them, and it is in our spouses to communicate how they like to be loved, to pray together so that the spirit of God reveals to both of them the path they have to walk.

We live in the era of the microwave, we want everything solved quickly, all without having to watch it, that others solve it for us. We do not want to veil the hole, we do not want to cook the roast or make the soups, we just want to heat the barbecue or buy the food and heat it up(we are talking about the marriage relationship still ya’ know so stop ya’ stomach here). This needs condiments, prayer, physical contact, fasting, tears, nakedness of the soul, talks that discover the colors of the heart and take out the skeletons of the closet to know why to pray for one another. Many times without realizing with our behavior and words we distance our spouses and they begin to look for security in another place.

The bible says that we should not sin in our anger, which shows that anger was a God given feeling-meaning that in our anger of FAITH (hope) we can reach and achieve great things, but if we use that feeling in a negative way we can make lots of errors and sin against God.

Expressing emotions is necessary, talking about what we feel is one of the greatest needs for our souls. —Denise

There is so much power in anger

How can we have anger and not sin in our marriage?

Believing that I can still use what I have inside, to be humble, grow intimately attached to my spouse, and apply it in a correct way, recognizing that I can still use it to achieve what WE want.

    1.  Talk about your emotions – Stabilize a place where you can clearly talk about what you feel, without judging one another and then take what does not please God in prayer (a place that does not hurt anyone or is near children ).
    2. Manage anger (or what is said to be unpleasant) – Learn to handle anger: How to calm yourself how to respond instead of reacting “He who is slow to anger is great of understanding; But he who is impatient in spirit exalts foolishness. ” (Proverbs 14:29 RVR1960)
    1.  Act don’t react: Read James 1:19-20  as often as needed!!! Listening and Doing “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,  because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires”.  —That verse will teach you to act and not react. In life we need to learn how to take action, to avoid unwanted reactions.
  1. Let love reign: “And if I had prophecy, and understood all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I had all faith, so as to remove the mountains, and have no love, I am nothing. And if I distribute all my goods to feed the poor, and if I give my body to be burned, and have no love, it is of no use to me. ” (1 Corinthians 13: 2-3 RVR1960)

We can’t survive without one another, we must love each other unconditionally, take care of the spouse that God placed on your hands and know that you must submit to one another in love like no other.

“I, then, prisoner in the Lord, beg you to walk as is worthy of the vocation with which you were called, with all humility and meekness, bearing with patience one another in love,” (Ephesians 4: 1-2 NKJ1960)

Even the love we give to conjugate, to our children and to other people reflects what we are and how we give by grace what we have received by grace. Not just because he loves us first, but rather because we want to live to worship Him with our lives.

“For by grace you are saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God; not for works, so that no one can boast. ” (Ephesians 2: 8-9 NKJ1960)

It is necessary to fight, cry and even leave our drool and snot on the altars if necessary. God wants us to fight for what we want! Let’s fight hard, ask God to give us the courage, anger and humbleness to fight with for what we want, to be encouraged by His Holy Spirit, to teach us the right path, to take away from us all the pain of the past and allow us to communicate with one another without anger and in the peace that only the blood of Christ can give. In the name of Jesus, Amen!

Those who sow with tears
will reap with songs of joy.

(Psalm 126: 5NIV)

God bless you,

Denise Kilby

©️2018 Denise Kilby Life Coaching & Spiritual Counseling. All rights reserved.

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